Obama Cares Too Much About His Image

Anyone halfway aware of what he's been doing should be able to easily realize this. He's continuously giving rhetoric and symbol-filled speeches on tough subjects while going exactly against what he says when considering policy. Often, he just speaks and then does nothing at all. This is because he knows that people hear sound bites from his speeches on the news and then they fail to understand or even hear about what actual policies the government is following. George W. Bush probably got a worse reputation than he deserved (although I'm still not saying he was a good president by any measure) because his sound bites were worse than his actual policies. At least Bush had conviction and followed through based on it. A great example of the inconsistency of Obama's speeches and his policies is right here:

Here Obama says that we have to stick by our principles and realize that detention without charge is against America:

Here Obama considers a policy that establishes a "legal basis for the United States to incarcerate terrorism suspects who are deemed a threat to national security but cannot be tried." Huh. So, either Obama directly contradicts what he says, or he thinks he can change what America stands for (to use some stupid presidential rhetoric) if what it actually stands for isn't to his liking.

Arrogant idiot.

Not So Saintly

hehehehehehe. Sexy.

John Daly At His Finest

Sorry I've been a little lazy with the posts over the past few days... I'm still shaking from the Niners getting Michael Crabtree. I'll analyze each pick of their draft sometime in the next couple days.

For now, however, I present to you the honorable John Daly.

Here's one of his sexy body for the ladies.

MICHAEL CRABTREE!!!!!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THE NINERS ARE ABOUT TO TAKE MICHAEL CRABTREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

49ers Draft

Here is my plan for the 49ers draft, assuming that I have to specify at least a position that they have to take, and that I can't just say "best player available" (since that's really what the Niners should do).

1st Rd: Trade down if possible, if not... take whoever drops, most likely Orakapo, Raji, Jackson... if not, Michael Oher or Aaron Maybin
2nd Rd: Louis Delmas, S, Western Michigan. If he doesn't drop, there are plenty of other solid DBs available here.
3rd Rd: Ramses Barden, WR, Cal Poly.
4th Rd: OL/DL (the opposite of what they do Rd 1)
5th Rd: OL/DL
5th Rd: WR (Johnny Knox, Abeliene Christian?)/RB (James Davis, Clemson?)
6th Rd: DB
7th Rd: Jason Boltus, QB, Hartwick
7th Rd: RB (if they didn't take one in Rd 5)/OLB (if they haven't taken one yet)

Feel free to share your thoughts. We'll see what happens on draft day. I'll be posting my thoughts on Niners and probably other teams' picks as they are made.

Matt Jones' Dealer Found!

Sorry, Jaguars fans, but it appears as if your former WR crew is planning a reunion in prison. Jimmy Smith was recently arrested for possession of crack cocaine and pot in his car. He was pulled over for excessively-tinted windows. Idiot... if you're going to be carrying illegal drugs in your car, why would you give officers a reason to stop you? Jimmy Smith probably also shouldn't have been driving with a suspended license. It appears that Matt Jones and Jimmy Smith aren't the only people Jack Del Rio drove to crack. Oh God, is that his wife?

To his credit, Jimmy Smith has admitted that he has a drug problem and is supposedly seeking help.

Happy Earth Day!

Just In Case You're Thinking of Dating a Pro Sports Player...

go here. It's really stupid, but pretty funny. You can read random rants from people who claim that they know whatever athlete you're looking up, and people post about the athletes' girlfriends and stuff. Some of the discussions are pretty funny. Here is Patrick Willis', for example.

Unsung Hero of the Day, 4/20/09: Billy Bajema

I am proud to announce that today's Unsung Hero of the Day is Billy Bajema! He represents all that a good football player should: class on the field and class off the field. He's a man of character, a man of virtue, and a manly man. He's also white, meaning his athleticism leaves something to be desired. But he makes up for it with his blocking skills. What a big dude.

All these superior traits have paid of for our Hero. No, I'm not talking about his 7 career catches for 88 yards; are you serious? That belongs in a different league (sorry, NFL Europe folded. No wait, I apologize for the insult... please don't take it personally Billy... I promise, I think you're awesome). What I'm talking about is life-lasting. He's got a stud of a wife. What a prize; she's also very tall. I had the privalege of sitting next to her and her friend during the first 2007 preseason game against the Broncos (at least until we got sent back to our actual seats further up in the 3rd quarter). She's a nice girl. Props to you, Billy.

Bajema attended Oklahoma State for college (I guess Niners fans have to look past his Cowboy background). He was on some of the same teams as Rashaun Woods. Which one worked out better for the 49ers...? Rashaun Woods = BUST. Anyway, here's a great highlight from his college career. Who knew that he used to be able to run?

Crazy little known fact about Billy Bajema that demonstrates his awesomeness: in 2004, he won the National Bobby Bowden Award from the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, which honored him for his athletic performance, his academic excellence, and his conduct as a faith model in his community. Baller.

Sadly, Billy Bajema has left the 49ers for hated division rival St. Louis. Despite this, I would like to say that Billy Bajema always has a place in our hearts. Come back to San Francisco. We love you.

Unsung Hero of the Day, 4/20/09, Billy Bajema!

TERRORIST!!!!!!!

Somehow, gentle Mississippi Rebels men's basketball coach Andy Kennedy got off with disorderly conduct after calling a taxi driver a terrorist and then punching him. The initial charge was assault, with a potential sentence of six months in prison. Instead, our favorite racial profiler got 6 months probation and 40 hours of community service. He also lost the contract extension he was sure to receive from the Mississippi AD, although he still got praise for his performance. The biggest penalty, however, will be the loss of the thousands of potential blue-chip Middle Eastern and Muslim recruits. Expect total devastation for the future of Rebels' men's basketball.

Spygate On Ice!

The disturbing story of Bill Belichick's cheating ways has been made into an ice show. ESPN reported today that Alexander Ovechkin was seen watching the Rangers' practice from the stands. Coach John Tortorella told him to beat it, and he did. While this really wasn't cheating in any way, I just thought it would be funny to photoshop a picture and accuse Ovechkin of cheating. So here it is.

I HATE CHRIS PRONGER

I don't know what to say at this point... I'm distraught, I'm tired, I'm upset, I've had enough. My Sharks had better hurry up and win a game. They've clearly outplayed the Ducks in both games, and the Quackers know it. Screw them. Screw Hiller. Screw Cory Perry. Screw Pronger. What's up with the Swiss anyway? Aren't they supposed to be neutral? Go back to your stupid country, Hiller. We don't want you here, screwing up the NHL order. The Sharks are better than the Ducks, and everyone should just recognize it.

So I created this picture of Pronger to embody my hate.

Raiders Fan

Well... Texas Tech Red Raiders, but I can easily imagine an Oakland Raiders fan doing this as well. Nonetheless, this video is still pretty good.

49ers Re-sign Joe Nedney!!!

Yesterday, the 49ers made two huge moves: they re-signed kicker Joe Nedney and DE Parys Haralson to new contracts. Haralson got a 4-year deal $15 million and Nedney got two years.

Nedney is a monster on the football field at 6'5", and he has provided consistent kicking for the Niners ever since that horrible era of the likes of Jose Cortez and Casey (Curtis?) Botchem (the name says it all...). God, they sucked. Joe Nedney is also one of the friendliest players on the team, as Choked On Applesauce has had the pleasure of multiple conversations with the former San Jose State star over the years. On his career, Nedney has made 80% of his field goals, with a long of 56 yards. More importantly, he provides the team with spirit, not to mention a bad-ass white guy appearance. He's also a local: he went to Santa Teresa High School in San Jose and San Jose State, and was a 49er fan growing up.

His best moment on the field drew a $7,500 fine from the NFL. After shanking a kickoff out of bounds, a douchebag New Orleans fan started talking crap to him. Nedney responded by scratching the back of his head with his middle finger, which was caught on live T.V. The Saint fan was just lucky that he was in the stands and Nedney was on the field... Joe's a big guy.

Parys Haralson is also a solid football player. He's credited for 8 sacks last year, and he's still only 25 years old. While still a bit high from the night before and excited after signing his new deal, Haralson commented, "I think this defense, we have the potential of being the best in the league. We're excited about the direction that it's going."

While the 49ers defense will be solid next year (a definite shot at top 10, and maybe even top 5), the best in the league is a bit of a stretch... better hope Strahan decides to make a comeback with the red and gold.

As much as I love the 49ers, here's a great video where a Niners fan gets his dick out for J.T. O'Sullivan after the Niners beat the Seahawks at the last second in Week 2.

Unsung Hero of the Day, 4/16/09: Christian Ehrhoff

In honor of the Sharks' first playoff game this year, the Unsung Hero of the Day is a Shark.

Christian Ehrhoff, the always intense-looking German, loves sitting at the point and slapping the puck at the net. The NHL equivalent of jacking it up, Ehrhoff runs the power play beautifully while using his sharp looks to seduce any big-boned woman in the stands (sorry ladies, he's actually married). He and Sharkie also have a special bond, as you can see the two sharing needles in the attached photo.

Ehrhoff is so cool, he even has his own website. For a German, his English is great; on his website, responding to the question, "What languages do you speak," he writes: "Despite German and English I also speak French." Solid. His website is poppin'... the guestbook has 4 comments in the last year and a half. If only he had a blog, we would get to read more of his great English.

At this point in the game, he's leading the Sharks in ice time with 16:31, and he's got two shots on goal. Look for #10 to play big in the 3rd.

How about a highlight?

Watch him jack up the Blue Jackets.

Possibly the best thing about Ehrhoff is that he and his roommate, Marcel Goc, have a documentary... and it's got cheery music in the background! Part two. Part three.

And, just for some good luck tonight, Ehrhoff scoring a game winner.


Tomorrow's UHD: Stephen A. Smith.

Space Cadet Update

One more spectacular display of space cadet's talent that I forgot to post earlier.

At Least Veil It...

The racism, that is, not the women. I mean, I don't really care all that much, but I figured the NY Times' editing staff would... this is just blatant. Hilarious:

The elders, in their turbans and beards, stared blankly at the Americans across the table.

Full article here.

Get the Bags Out, Broncos Fans!

You may want to start putting them over your head. Apparently the key to the Broncos' regular season success, according to Josh McDaniels, will be their "offseason preparation." Oh, you mean when they chased their 25 year old, Pro-Bowl quarterback out of town? Or when they got a scraggly, booze-stained neck beard in return? No wait, don't worry, Chris Simms will start! His lack of a spleen has increased his mobility in the pocket... no extra weight holding him down! Josh McDevils has screwed this up so bad that everyone's already stopped talking about how they choked on applesauce down the stretch and missed the playoffs. And let Dre Bly go. But it's okay, because their running game will be back, and it'll be pretty much impossible to have as many injuries at that position as they had last season. Hold on, but why was their running game so good? Oh yeah, because of that star coach they've left out to dry and replaced with the most arrogant douchebag in football. And now the pressure will be on to have some semblance of an offense with backups as starters in key skill positions: Orton or Simms at QB and Buckhalter, Arrington, or LaMont Jordan at RB. Good luck getting Brandon Marshall to buy into the QB and coaching changes... this is just laughable (if, like me, you're not a Broncos fan). And their second WR is a second-year player that showed flashes of skill from time to time. Maybe the Broncos get lucky and Eddie Royal develops to be a solid wideout, but it'd have to be a miracle if one of their QBs can get him the ball.

Avocado-Eatin' Dog

Does anyone notice that Huell Howser is the only person that thinks this is even remotely interesting or abnormal?

He also provides for border security. Perhaps he'll convince potential illegal immigrants that they'd rather stay on their side of the border...

Huell Howser, folks!

[thanks to Greg and his roommate for introducing me to Huell]

Mike Valenti and The Rant

In case anyone was wondering where the name of this blog comes from, Mike Valenti and The Rant is the answer. After his beloved Michigan State Spartans (asshole) blew a 16 point 4th quarter lead to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish on September 23rd, 2006 (hilarious, despite my hatred of ND), Mike Valenti went off for 45 minutes on his Monday radio show, called Sports Inferno. Highlights include raving indicts of Chris Smeland, Dave Baldwin, Drew Stanton, (essentially anyone affiliated with Michigan State football), pretend choking sounds, and, of course, "the Spartans choked on applesauce." Listen to the full rant here.

As a Michigan fan, I love to see/hear anyone who enjoys an MSU win desperate to the point of tears in anger. Also, since this blog will mainly be dedicated to celebrating the insignificant, random, and pointless players in sports, the phrase "choked on applesauce" seems fairly appropriate.

Unsung Hero of the Day, 4/15/09: Space Cadet

The first ever Unsung Hero of the Day shall be none other than Space Cadet, a.k.a. Vladimir Radmanovic, the illustrious three point shooter for the Charlotte Bobcats, previously a key component of the West-best LA Lakers.

To the right, you can see a picture demonstrating his superlative defending skills as Kobe Bryant mistakes him for Katelyn Faber.

The king of jacking it up, Sir Radmanovic has a career average of 3.9 3PT attempts per game, which make up half his total per game attempts. Often seen playing big in the post, Space Cadet's inside-outside offensive skills are unparalelled. Let's just say that he knows how to throw it down.

Choked On Applesauce also salutes our favorite martian for his snowboarding incident... come on, we all know he actually "fell on a patch of ice."

Sadly for the Lakers, Rod Higgins stole their catalyst in February of this year, when he acquired Space Cadet for the pittance of Adam Morrison and Shannon Brown (who we love here, but is not quite up to the same level). Along with VR, the Bobcats gained title aspirations. Unfortunately, even a martian couldn't save the Bobcats from their 100th straight losing season, although they did finish with the best record in franchise history. Bobcats owners also expected Space Cadet to single-handedly make up for their projected $35 million losses over the next 2 seasons, although Charlotte fans have yet to realize how special a player they really have.

To quote the great Phil Jackson:
"He's a space cadet," Jackson said. "He could be on Mars. I know it's not on Venus, but he could be on Mars. He's one of those guys that you go like, 'Do you understand really what we're trying to get accomplished here?' And he'll go, 'Yeah, I know what's going on.' And then you ask him the next day if he knows that and he goes like, 'Yeah, sure.' And then you go, 'OK, demonstrate it to me,' and he'll lose [focus]."

Vladimir is also known for his unconventional defense, where he roams around aimlessly to make it seem like he doesn't know what he's doing, and then, BAM!

He's so great the refs are left in awe of his work.

No fear.

He even got a TV deal.